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Apr 07

Forgive and Forget?

Something happened that I will never forget.

Something happened that I don’t talk about much with anyone other than Hubby but actually it had a massive impact on our life.

Something happened that I can’t share many details of because of a legal agreement, but that I need to talk about.

Something happened that I am struggling to forgive.

We were a relatively newly married couple (less than two years) and we had a nine month old baby. Two people who we considered friends did something that turned our life upside down. For them it was about money, it was about making something theirs and no longer shared. It left hubby without a job, I was coming to the end of maternity leave, it left us without a choice. I had to go back to work, Hubby was to look after our son full time. It wasn’t the plan, but it wasn’t a choice. We had to do what we could to stay afloat financially, I had a job waiting, I couldn’t not go to it when we needed to pay the bills.

Everything died down for a couple of months, then two days before my 30th birthday they decided to have another go, just to make sure we were at rock bottom! They ruined my birthday, they took the last bit of trust in people we had.

It was still about money for them, we just wanted to be left alone, to be able to get on with our lives, but they needed to make sure they had hurt us, they left us struggling to cope.  We did struggle, but we did cope, we got through together because that’s what we do.

A couple more months down the line, we fell pregnant with bundle of joy number two. I again went on Maternity Leave, we carried on coping, not always being able to afford the best, or even the worst, but we got by.  We even started to think that maybe we could go back to the original plan of me at home and hubby working

Hubby continued to look for work; but the jobs weren’t there, the job market as a whole was claiming more victims to redundancy, people were not hiring (they still aren’t). So for a second time I went back to work. I have gone in day by day missing bits of the kids growing up. I was lucky that both crawled bang on six months, both walked at 9 months so I was witness to those, but other stuff I have missed. I have been surprised when they have done something small and probably insignificant, jumped off a step, counted one more than I had heard before, something that was new to me, only to see that look in hubby’s eyes that just said ‘sorry’ as it wasn’t new after all.

I once cried, sobbed for an hour because Monkey couldn’t understand why I couldn’t go to an event at school, he probably doesn’t even remember it now, but I do….I always will. I remember the look in his eyes, the tears on his cheeks, the heaving sobs I let out, unable to hide my sadness at missing it.

Monkey is at school now and I want to do the School runs. I know for most they are a nightmare, but I feel sad that I have missed so many of them. Mouse will be going up to 15 hours nursery very shortly and I feel that is an end of an era. They are both so big now, I just hope that they know that I have always tried to be there, working a long day to be able to leave early and see their Christmas Play, that I have worked through lunch to be able to take them on their first days of big school/nursery/anything.

I have spent years trying to forgive the ‘friends’, I have spent time trying to forget. But you see the problem is, it was never about money for us, it was about trust, and what they have taken from me is far more precious than money, it was something I can never get back, something that I would have traded anything for, it was time with my children.

I know that being bitter about it only really hurts me. It doesn’t affect them, they probably don’t even think about it any more, they got what they wanted and moved on! I need to let it go, I need to ‘get over it’, I need to forgive and forget I guess, but how do you forgive something like that?

14 comments

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  1. mevtheneds

    It’s hard to forgive and forget when people hurt you so deeply. Writing can be therapeutic and I hope that by doing so with your post and comments which will come , you can take some comfort from them. You and your husband sound like you’re very supportive if one another and to have that is priceless.

    1. Kel

      Thank you for the comment. I do find writing helps with many things. I value my family and what we have so much.

  2. thesoupdragonsays

    It can be hard to forgive a betrayal like that, but like you have said dont hurt yourself. I felt the same when my boss of 9 years made me redundant from my first job. He skipped on us , paid no redundancey and went and bought a merc…I took him to tribunal, and won. But that took 18 months by which time he had disolved the company, and opened a new one. Friends said I should get him back. Living in his big house on a private estate, with fancy car and new buisness. I didn’t forgive but I did forget. Now I am told the car broke down on him weekly, inc the middle of the m25. His wife left him, his kids disowned him. I think you reep what you sow. So enjoy what you have, you have a lovely family 🙂

    1. Kel

      Thank you for taking the time to comment, sorry you had a a rotten experience too.

  3. denfos258

    Hey, when people treat you like crap just remember there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people do not go around destroying other human beings!! xx
    It makes no difference to the kids why you are not there all the time, you more than make up for it when you are and that’s the important thing. xx

    1. Kel

      Thank you, that means a lot x

  4. Angela

    I’m not sure how I would feel in your position. I can hold a grudge for ages when I should have let it go, and that’s usually over little things so no idea how you must be feeling for something that rocked your world.. twice. I would probably try to forget for your own sanity and sake of family to ensure you don’t mar the happy events with the family with the tragedy you had to go through. I doubt I would forgive though. I believe in karma and there’s will come to them. Stay strong and enjoy the kids. x

    1. Kel

      Thank you, I am trying to forget and hope that writing stuff down is the first step.

  5. Jenny @ The Brick Castle

    I don’t think you can ever forget, but like The Soup Dragon says – you reap what you sow.
    Nearly 2 years ago we were hurt more than I thought possible by 2 people related to us. We spent months trying to get over it, but we can never get away from it. When I look at what’s happened since, it seems by hurting us, they hurt themselves more. Their lives are a mess, their relationships failing and the bitterness and nastiness that was directed at us are traits that are ultimately self-destructive. No-one’s impressed with what they did, and no-one is there to dig them out of the hole they are in.
    Anyone who puts money first might think it’s fun to sit counting the zero’s on their bank statement, but it’s far more fun to sit snuggled on the sofa with someone who respects and loves you and won’t make every day bitter and hard.
    You’ve missed a couple of popular milestones, but you are there for the rest of their lives, and the milestones keep on coming. Only the other day my 13 year old filled the dishwasher without me asking, and I slept in until 9.30am this morning because my 15 year old got up with the little kids and took them downstairs quietly.
    You keep smiling, pity the selfish because no amount will ever be enough 🙂

    1. Kel

      Thank you, sorry you had an awful experience too. I love your take on it though and the snuggling on the sofa is a definite bonus!

  6. Mummy Glitzer

    I actually believe the opposite to thesoupdragon. Many years ago I was raped by someone I thought I could trust (as most rapes are). I met my now husband and a few months after being with him, I realised I was with-holding a part of me from him and that if I wanted to make a proper go of our relationship I needed to forgive my attacker and I did. It wasn’t easy and it still isn’t, I have to remind myself now and again but for me, it really was the only way I could let go. Of course, I have never, ever forgotten what happened to me. x

    1. Kel

      Thank you for commenting and so honestly. I hope you continue to be strong in your forgiveness. I admire that you have taken that step.

  7. ET Speaks From Home

    to be honest, it is hard to forget and forgive. take ur time and at least you know u did ur best for your family.

  8. redrosemummy

    Brilliant post Kel, beautifully written. We’ve had to take the rough with the smooth too. I never intended to be a SAHM but when I was made redundant three months after going back to work after having Bud it seemed like the only option for us.
    I’m sorry you’ve been so badly deceived by people you trusted, like a few other comments I firmly believe in karma and I’m sure that these people will get what is coming to them.
    As parents we tend to focus on the things we miss or get wrong. I’m sure Monkey and Mouse know just how much you love them and how much you are there for them. In the end all we can do is our best and that’s what you’re doing everyday by going out to work to provide for them. You’re doing a great job xxx

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