Something happened that I will never forget.
Something happened that I don’t talk about much with anyone other than Hubby but actually it had a massive impact on our life.
Something happened that I can’t share many details of because of a legal agreement, but that I need to talk about.
Something happened that I am struggling to forgive.
We were a relatively newly married couple (less than two years) and we had a nine month old baby. Two people who we considered friends did something that turned our life upside down. For them it was about money, it was about making something theirs and no longer shared. It left hubby without a job, I was coming to the end of maternity leave, it left us without a choice. I had to go back to work, Hubby was to look after our son full time. It wasn’t the plan, but it wasn’t a choice. We had to do what we could to stay afloat financially, I had a job waiting, I couldn’t not go to it when we needed to pay the bills.
Everything died down for a couple of months, then two days before my 30th birthday they decided to have another go, just to make sure we were at rock bottom! They ruined my birthday, they took the last bit of trust in people we had.
It was still about money for them, we just wanted to be left alone, to be able to get on with our lives, but they needed to make sure they had hurt us, they left us struggling to cope. We did struggle, but we did cope, we got through together because that’s what we do.
A couple more months down the line, we fell pregnant with bundle of joy number two. I again went on Maternity Leave, we carried on coping, not always being able to afford the best, or even the worst, but we got by. We even started to think that maybe we could go back to the original plan of me at home and hubby working
Hubby continued to look for work; but the jobs weren’t there, the job market as a whole was claiming more victims to redundancy, people were not hiring (they still aren’t). So for a second time I went back to work. I have gone in day by day missing bits of the kids growing up. I was lucky that both crawled bang on six months, both walked at 9 months so I was witness to those, but other stuff I have missed. I have been surprised when they have done something small and probably insignificant, jumped off a step, counted one more than I had heard before, something that was new to me, only to see that look in hubby’s eyes that just said ‘sorry’ as it wasn’t new after all.
I once cried, sobbed for an hour because Monkey couldn’t understand why I couldn’t go to an event at school, he probably doesn’t even remember it now, but I do….I always will. I remember the look in his eyes, the tears on his cheeks, the heaving sobs I let out, unable to hide my sadness at missing it.
Monkey is at school now and I want to do the School runs. I know for most they are a nightmare, but I feel sad that I have missed so many of them. Mouse will be going up to 15 hours nursery very shortly and I feel that is an end of an era. They are both so big now, I just hope that they know that I have always tried to be there, working a long day to be able to leave early and see their Christmas Play, that I have worked through lunch to be able to take them on their first days of big school/nursery/anything.
I have spent years trying to forgive the ‘friends’, I have spent time trying to forget. But you see the problem is, it was never about money for us, it was about trust, and what they have taken from me is far more precious than money, it was something I can never get back, something that I would have traded anything for, it was time with my children.
I know that being bitter about it only really hurts me. It doesn’t affect them, they probably don’t even think about it any more, they got what they wanted and moved on! I need to let it go, I need to ‘get over it’, I need to forgive and forget I guess, but how do you forgive something like that?